I'm failing in everything.
I'm so far behind.
I'm trying so hard in so many areas and it's never enough.
Have you ever collapsed in bed at night, exhausted, and whispered these thoughts to yourself?
Let me guess...it was after you spent 16 hours:
✪ Working out
✪Taking care of your family or pets
✪Running errands or household duties (you know, your other job, house manager)
✪Answering emails, attending meetings, writing
✪Teaching someone something
I've spent the last week on vacation, unplugging from work demands and other's needs and focused on my immediate family and myself. And I spent time thinking about how to better myself and my work life integration. It's a constant struggle for me. I thought why do I often feel like a failure? Is it the pressure I put on myself? The pressure of my job? Of unrealistic expectations? The pressure of others?
How do I escape this constant feeling of not enough, not enough, not enough? Now, now, now. More, more, more. Be fitter, work harder. Look better. Eat better. Spend more time on x,y,z. Publish more. Write more. Lift more, run more, and do it while looking 28 and feeling 25. Ha. And don't be late to the soccer game, and pick up treats. Oh and make friends, and maintain them. And don't forget your spouse.
Here's the thing I realized. You ready?
1. I would never, ever, watch any of you work all day, go home, workout, run errands, take care of family, collapse into bed at night and look at you and say "Wow, that was not enough. You could have done more."; Why the heck do I say this to myself!?!
2. Because of #1, I need girlfriends, who get #1 to say "Uh, Sash, you're kinda off in your head. Fix your inner dialogue. Stat."
3. Because I have little to no spare time, it's hard to maintain friendships outside of work. I work hard to maintain my relationship w my hubs…but I don't have a lot of spare time for girlfriends, which I desperately NEED to feel...well, normal. So that's why I chose and value my close friends—my tribe like they are precious stones. I make sure, that if I do not have time for my few close friendship outside of my family, well then I do not have enough time.
And something has to go. Stat.
4. I'm in a period of my life with constant change. I now have a teenager… (Jesus take the wheel). I have a job that's really demanding and changes often. I'm involved in national societies that make me excited but also scared a bit, all while trying to make sure I take care of myself and be healthy. (Is it time for me to check cholesterol? I have no idea.) I NEED help. I need advice from women ahead of me. I need women to empower ME. And I need to empower those behind me, and next to me. No matter how bright they shine!
5. Find your tribe, then in that tribe, find your wing-man/posse! Guess what: you'e going to need KINDNESS and vulnerability. You may find your wing man…but you won't keep them without being vulnerable and kind and showing grace.
I guess what I'm saying is...be kind to yourself. Show yourself grace. I'm certainly going to try to! And make friends because there's going to come a time in your life when you NEED them. Find them. And FOR HEAVEN SAKES have FUN!!! Do not let anyone make you feel BAD for having FUN with my friends! Dear heavens! How crazy is THAT!??? There's a reason God made us to need each other!
I'm entering a week of deadlines so big it's going to require Lamaze breathing and there's not enough La Croix or lipstick or dark chocolate in the world to make it better. But I'm going to show myself grace, as my Savior does for me daily..and talk to myself as my posse would…here I go...are you coming with me?
You are enough.