Confessions of an Anesthesiologist

I am on my first week of vacation with my kids since last August. It's nothing I'm proud of - in fact, I'm ashamed of this fact. I'm so glad to be unplugging that I haven't really worn makeup in 3 days, and it's taken me until today to actually unwind. Clinically, I've been getting so busy. Administratively, things are ramping up (all good things). I'm entering conference travel season, and I've been dreaming of a week away from the hospital for months. Our cardiac anesthesia team is short - getting vacation is like finding a black chevron Chanel mini.

I've been up early each day with coffee before my family arises and writing, writing, writing. It's my therapy.

This year has been incredibly difficult and wonderfully joyful for me. I'm living my authentic self. I'm constructing the work I want to do and letting go of what I don't anymore. It's freeing. And terrifying.

I've lost friends. I've disappointed people when I don't live up to all they want me to be. No matter how much we desire to live the way I believe God made us, as our authentic selves, we always disappoint someone because we aren't who they want us to be.

I've been hurt this year by people who I thought were cheerleaders, and I've hurt some people as I've let go.

But through this year of 'becoming', I've made some incredible friends. Women who I never would have met or known for various reasons have held me up. As I discover what Brave Enough means for me in my day to day life - I've needed them. So much. The group of women I lead ended up in fact pouring into me, like a cell phone charger.

This week I'm 'removing'. Each day, I'm casting off all the things others place on me, all the ridiculous pressure I put on myself, and all the stress I can't control. I've been buried under a mountain of disappointing others and myself that I forgot God wants me to live authentically, free of all else.

I cannot begin to tell you how excited I am that this spring I'm going through the Brave Enough Master Class with 30 amazing physician women. It's going to be like water to my soul. I'm focusing on me - setting serious boundaries, and I'm super excited to lead this group.

Every week can’t be a vacation week. We have patients and families and hospitals to run. We have research to complete and manuscripts to write and doctors to teach. But every week we can remember this: you are enough.

Just as you are.

 

Sasha ShillcuttComment